Dear 17 year old self,
It’s been four months since you met him and your life is spiralling out of control as you try to maintain the secret life that you have been living. Your friendship with that girl has long disintegrated and now, you’re starting to withdraw from your friends.
Thank God you had the sense to tell two of your friends though- two people who would stand up to the world and tell the truth. At least you played your cards right.
You would only meet him in the night- it was critical that we won’t get caught. You would sneak out of your house every night and meet him. It wasn’t a surprise that you would one day get caught. The neighbours would see you one day sneaking out and they would tell your parents. They would also tell them that a black Hilux was parked outside every week on a certain night.
9311. You would never forget those numbers.
You would deny it until you eventually had to come clean because they would be waiting for you when you came upstairs and you just knew you couldn’t lie any more. Of course, you never said who it was.
I wish that I could have warned you that you were ruining your life, your friendhsips and your future. I wish that you have the mind that we have now. I wish so much thing now- if only I could take it all back. If only I could erase that year from your life.
But I can’t. I thought that after 3 years things would stay in the past- but these people are ready to hurt you and we must fight back. Out of nowhere, they have suddenly resurfaced and started a feud with you. You did nothing to him or her. You stayed clear of them for three years- so where did this suddenly come from? Where did those harsh word come from? How long have they been stalking my twitter account?
The shock in me to see these messages last night still leaves an unbelievable mask of impossibility. I kept his secret. I kept it all. Everything was going to be hidden- buried- over with.
Until this happened. I had no idea she was watching my account. I honestly CANNOT believe it- especially the part about my mother. I left you in peace for so long, and this- where did all of this come from? Soon you would see what I did so that you could be happy again with him. I tried to tell you so many times. But now, you leave me no choice. Now, you will listen and I don’t care if you read this or believe this- but you need to KNOW.
That horrible Friday would come and you would get a message from that girl- and she would call you so many bad things.
You would feel like the pavement slammed into your face. Your worst fear had come true, and it would only take one weekend to change everything.
He told you that you would have to take the fall for it. He would tell you that you would have to pretend to be crazy.
I wish that you could have realized the truth of his words then and there. Someone who loved you would never ask you to do that.
But just like anything he told you, you stupidly listen. How would you to know that after 3 years of silence that he would come up and threaten you? That he would play that crazy card?
Speaking of doing anything with him…
You would start drinking beers with him- his favourite kind was Heineken. You would go competitions all the time to see who could drink it out the fastest. He would also teach you a cool trick where he would hit the top of the cold beer so that it all rushed upwards in the bottle, and like the child you were- you would think the world of him.
Something about the danger of your meetings or the desire to finally have someone to lead made him irresistible to you. Your feelings for him would cloud your judgement and your closest friends- C and S would tell you over and over to get out before it was too late. Your sister would constantly be annoyed with you and yell at you for being so stupid.
Ignorance is bliss, and you continued your downhill spiral- not caring of the lasting consequences that it would have on you and your character.
He would come over one Sunday and you would cook Italian for him and you would drink wine together. You would think that everything is perfect. You would think that you can keep up this secret.
When you now started off as being friends, he would call you when he was in the mall. He wanted to surprise his girlfriend with the latest book in the Twilight Saga, but he bought the wrong book. It was you who had to remind him that it was the next book. Good girl- I know you didn’t mean to hurt her.
He told me so many things about their relationship. He was her first everything and the guilt of that meant that he would not- could not- break up with her. He told me how she would cry after all the time.. She was so strong in her faith, but somehow, he still managed to have sex with her- and she was so young. Being 5 years older than her meant that he should have known better- but he didn’t.
Maybe it was because of the first girl that he loved. He was also very young and she was older than him. She taught him everything he needed to know about sex- maybe he wanted to be that with his girlfriend that time. I’m not a psychiatrist so I don’t know.
Somehow, you would want to prove yourself to him. Already, you started to feel insecure about yourself. You would constantly worry if he was having sex with her behind your back. The one thing you asked him was to tell you if they did- and not to have you both on the same day. You would never have believed him either way, but that was a risk you were willing to take.
However, darling, you had no right to feel like that because it was you who was wrong. What he did with his actual girlfriend was none of your concern. YOU should have known better. You should have ended things right there. But you didn’t. You continued seeing him: in a park near where he lived, in the different cars that he would use to avoid suspicion- his mom’s car, various friend’s vans- in particular, a certain grey one.
It would be funny to you because you wanted him in his van so bad, but he told you the funny story about everytime he and his girlfriend had sex in his previous car, something would always happen to it and he didn’t want to take that chance. Of course, you would hide your irritation at any mention of her, but you would keep that stupid smile on your face and pretend that you were okay.
There would be so many nights where you would cry because you couldn’t take it any more- but he had the words to make you feel better. He knew exactly how to wind your head up.
I am so sorry that you had to do that. I wished you had the strength to pull yourself together and realize that it was him who was having the best of both worlds. You were there on the sidelines, waiting on his messages, his calls- anything from him. You see, you wouldn’t have been able to call him or have any contact with him because he could have always been with her- and even though it ate at you, you kept it up. You convinced yourself that you were in love.
You settled for being called one of his guy friends when he was answered the phone and she was there. You settled to let him dictate your pace and sadly, your life to an extent. How could you not realize that it would be you would take the fall? How could you settle to be called crazy and psychotic?
On Valentine’s day of the next year, you would have had the worst heartbreak of your life. He was supposed to come and see you after he took her out for dinner, which was was a double date with another couple.
How were you to know that he would leave you home waiting and waiting? You would just see the hours ticking by and then, you would realize that he wasn’t going to come after all. I mean, what did you expect? It was his girlfriend! When would you realize it?
After many more nights and crying and the realization that he was never going to leave her, started to make your heart grow cold and hard- that’s when you would start to hate the person you thought you loved.
Still though, there were things that you would do to prove yourself. He would make you do some of his assignments, and if you refused, he would just say- fine I’ll carry it by her. So you would drag yourself from your bed so many evenings and slave over his business assignments- even though you didn’t know a thing about business. I guess we could say thank god for Google.
But still, how couldn’t you see that he was using you? How couldn’t you realize what was going on? Why did you feel that you had to do those things for him? You should have just said no.
No. No. No.
That simple word would have made your life so much happier now. But you weren’t strong enough.
When that horrible Friday came, the weekend would be a nightmare and the weeks to follow would be hell. She would tell everyone in school that you slept with her boyfriend- and stupid you would deny it. What choice did you have? You wanted to keep your reputation intact and you knew that he would make you play the crazy card if things got worst. To this day- 3 years later- he would continue to make you play it.
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But our 21- year old self is different. We won’t take threats any more. We realize that all his empty threats would mean nothing:
Yes, I used to cut myself. Yes someone in my family did something horrible to me. Yes I have a problem with my weight. These things mean nothing to me now, and using it against me in an attempt to look bad, just shows how low you have come- and it also shows how far you are willing to go to protect your lie. Now he is sinking to vile threats like the one below:
It’s not ours any more. When would you realize that? The whole world will now the truth.
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Did he even stop for a second to consider that I have NEVER ever told anyone about that part of my life? How does he even know I have a step-father?
I don’t know- maybe the same way I know about his father- and his mother who, ironically has the same name as my mother.
Maybe because he would one day- surprisingly- brave the sunlight and take you by his house.
He and his girlfriend live a few houses next to each other- another one of the reasons why you would always feel insecure.
Her house was on the hill of the cul-de-sac and his house would be a little lower down. He would park in the yard and you would sneak in. Your heart would be racing because you knew the possibility that being caught right then and there would be a very real possibility.
He has a sister and their rooms were connected. We didn’t go in his room though- we went in hers. You liked the idea of having a mirror almost in front of the bed- it somehow made it better and more fun.
I wish you looked at yourself in that very mirror and shaken yourself. How could you not see how bad you had become? How could you even recognize the girl in the mirror?
The girl who told herself that she would never be the outside girl? The girl who knew how much wrong she was doing? The girl who would stab her friend in the back?
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
Because love- or the idea of being in love- makes us do stupid things.
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Once again, I would like to let all my readers know that this is taking so much out of me to say these things. It is taking a toll on me, my reputation, and the way people see me. The threats that he is sending me is very real- as you can see. And for the sake of both of their privacies- I have left their names out of this.
I wish on one hand that this didn’t have to happen. I wish that they didn’t start this with me because everyone could have just lived happily and moved on. Me and him could have moved on with our lives without anyone knowing anything.
On the other hand though, because of the immense support that I am getting from my fans, followers and readers, it has come to light that I was not alone in this. There are others like me who made these very mistakes, and once again, I beg you to please learn from me.
Learn from my stupidity. My want for love. My naivety. Learn from the way I ruined my life and the way that the past will come back to haunt you.
Clearly, to this day- I am still paying for what I did.
Nonetheless, I keep reminding myself that even though my life again as turned upside down by them, I have to take baby steps as I seek to rebuild my life once more.
But I will, and I am eternally grateful for all your beautiful support through this hard time.
That’s all for now. I can’t keep reliving those memories- so tomorrow, I would continue.
Once again, thank you for your unbelievable support because it makes this just a little easier for me.
xo,
The Classy It Girl.
