I never for once had any intention of falling in love with Nathan.
In that moment of me turning around, he was there to take my mind off of the burning rage and hate that I had developed for HIM.
But that “random guy”, turned out to be much much more.
Nathan is The Boyfriend who I’m always speaking about- but before he was The Boyfriend, he was just Nathan.
In that moment of weakness, rage, insecurity, hurt- I had turned around so that someone could just save me from everything I was going through.
My love for fairy-tales come from more than just reading them or believing in them
It is because I fell right into one.
he saved me in every way that a person could be saved.
Our friendship was growing with each passing day and Nathan, at the time. was completely unaware of HIM.
As soon as I realized that I was falling head over heels for him- something I was not ready for- I knew that with every molecule in my body-I had to pull myself away from HIM.
But you see, there were many many complications. My life, just never went the way I wanted it to go.
Firstly, HE was angry and upset. He didn’t want me to be with Nathan and in those phone conversations with HIM, I saw him for the first time what monster that he was.
He didn’t care one bit about MY happiness. He wanted me for himself- the whore on the outside.
He tried to take me away from Nathan by calling and calling- and I remember having to hide and answer him because I was paranoid that Nathan would find out. Even though we were just friends at the time, I still didn’t want to risk any chance of losing him before he was actually mine.
It was a new year.
A time where I knew that I had to change. I knew that I had to make a decision. I had to get HIM out of my life, once and for all if there was any chance of me being with Nathan.
The problem was- how was I supposed to do that?
How was I supposed to end things with HIM while still keeping Nathan out of the loop until I dealt with the matter?
Small blessings is all I could say.
It happened suddenly one night when HE was calling me off the hook and I became agitated every time I pressed ignore. It got so ridiculous that Nathan eventually asked me about it.
My heart, as you could well imagine, was almost falling out of my chest. What the fuck was I supposed to tell him.
Nathan knew that there was a a guy before. But I vaguely left out the details- like what was his name for instance. It didn’t matter about my past just then, and I couldn’t care less.
Unfortunately, my past was caring a hell of a lot for me.
Nathan was adamant that I tell him who was calling me so much and why I was ignoring the calls- back then, he had a fierce temper and I was literally starting to shake.
I swear that the people across the road were hearing my heart threatening to explode out of my chest.
I muttered something about “the guy, you know”.
‘What guy?” he said.
I was so uncomfortable now you cannot even begin to imagine. It was one of those situations where you hoped desperately that never had to happen.
I mumbled some other bs and just tried to remain calm as we driving to his apartment. Blessed silence presumed just for a fraction of a second, until Nathan started up on me again.
I saw how angry he was getting and I just wanted to literally sink to the floor. Funny though, because I felt as if the pavement had already rose up and smacked me in my face. My body started to burn and tingle in way that it does when you know something bad was going to happen. I was so afraid, and that fear literally crippled my senses.
You see, one day, I had told him about a ridiculous story- I told him how these people had spread these lies about me- how I was with a girl’s boyfriend- sounds familiar?
I had denied the entire thing to Nathan when that conversation had come up (can’t remember how) so you could well imagine how much trouble I was in then.
How was I supposed to tell him that the guy I had been with had a girlfriend- who was my friend? How was I supposed to explain to him that entire year of my life with HIM- and the reason why I had done it? How was I to explain to him that I had lied to him in the first place about it?
I could literally taste the bile in my mouth by now. Nathan was going to leave me because of my past. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I could not, in my wildest imagination think that this situation, would have come back to haunt me. It was almost ironic that I was going to lose everything- because of HIM.
Nathan told me that I had one last chance to tell him the truth. My first instinct was to lie.
My mind frantically searched for any name that I could remember. Anything. Any one random guy’s name. I was so skilled in lying to the world about my involvement with HIM, that I was supposed to be able to conjure a lie and procure a name within seconds.
But, for the first time in my life- my mind failed me. For the first time in my life, I understood what people meant when they said, “my mind went blank”.
My mind was so blank at that point that if anyone had asked me my name, I would have said my name is hat. Or book. Or car. Or some bs like that.
In this moment, I don’t know what overcame me, so I literally said the first thing that came to mind.
“HE knows who you are”.
Nathan was like “How did he know who I was?”
I wanted to kick myself in the head. Where the hell did that come from?
I was fighting a losing battle because although I didn’t want to lie to Nathan, I also was deathly afraid that he would leave me if he did find out the truth.
Of course I had no answer to Nathan’s question, so I blurted out some other complete and utter nonsense before I even had the time to actually think about what I said.
“Because-HE-saw-you-when-he-came-to-pick-up- **** (her)-from lessons one day”. I said this stupid sentence in one shot and so quickly, that I didn’t realize what I had said.
After a year of denying my indiscretion with HIM, after every single story that I had spawned, after making myself appear like a crazy psychotic bitch, after a hardcore conviction to every and anyone when confronted with my affair, I had slipped up. Finally.
But at that time, I did not realize it- that was to tell you how much my mind had completely failed me. I didn’t even realize what I has said. Nathan however replied very calmly and was like – “so it was him”.
“Who” I said stupid, stupid me. I was STILL completely oblivious to what I had said. I tell you, my mouth was just spewing out bullshit to the highest level that night.
You could then imagine how I almost fell through the car now when he said those six letters that made up HIS name.
I. Wanted. To. Die.
I was literally almost suffocating myself now. I couldn’t breathe.
I was about to open my mouth and say, “NO, it wasn’t him”.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t lie to Nathan. I couldn’t. I had lied to the world (except the close people who knew) but with him, my sweet sweet darling, I couldn’t lie.
I don’t know where the oxygen came from, but I barely managed to whisper, “yes”.
I should let you know that even though this seemed like a long time we were talking for, this entire conversation took place in less than 5 minutes (and looking back, the rapid rate at which it occurred definitely had something to do with the way that my mouth was just blurting out nonsensical things).
The drive to his apartment was a silent one. And when I say silent, I mean a deadly silence.
When we got by him, I was like, “I don’t know what you to say”.
But Nathan sure as hell did. ” You’re so fucked up did you know that’.
It was like a slap to my face. Okay I lied. It was more like having the world itself hit me in my face and then the universe swallowing me up whole.
You know how books have those moments where the character feels like a knife is plunging into their hearts.
That, is a very very real feeling.
I felt like my everything was crashing down on me.
That I was going to lose everything. I was going to lose Nathan.
I felt like my heart was really going to stop beating and I was damn well prepared to die right there. Can you imagine the feeling of finding love and moving on, but having that feeling ripped away from you because of one momentary lapse of judgement- one mistake that you made in that past?
But somehow, somehow…my mind and my voice kicked back into gear and I told Nathan everything.
Every. Single. Thing.
And he didn’t say a word to me.
Instead, he just pulled me into his arms and let me cry and cry. For hours I was like that- locked in his embrace as my body shook with the brunt of the emotions that came flooding through me.
I had lied to the world, but in my blindness and my blatant ignorance of the truth, I didn’t realize, that I had lied to myself. Strange isn’t it? How you never ever know when you’re wrong.
I allowed myself to be used. I was involved with someone who had a girlfriend. I lied to my family, my friends, my school. I was angry. Bitter. Resentful. Broken. The full and utter realization of what I did was finally settling down on me. The burden that I had kept for so long had destroyed every and any thing that I believed in. I had compromised my dignity, my pride, my trust, my morality, my heart.
I had given myself to someone who was so unworthy of me and I had trusted his utterances of love. I had trusted that we would one day have a chance to be together. I had trusted in him so completely and so willingly…and I deceived myself into believing I was in love with someone who had treated me like the literal whore I was. Someone who had played with my emotions. Someone who had taken advantage of me in every way possible.
But in those precious moments I shared with my love, I was saved. It was like some kind of rare magic that you only believe in, in fairy-tales. There was a moment when he looked at me and I saw how vulnerable he was. How afraid he was that I would one day cheat on him and slip back into that 17 year-old girl. He didn’t now if I would never get over the hold that HE had on me.
It was in that exact moment, looking into his eyes, baring my soul to him, telling him the deepest and darkest secrets, that I had finally relinquished every single feeling that I had of HIM. I let him out of my heart and the remnants of my mind.
But as time would tell, Life itself would have other plans for me. and one day, he would once more turn my whole world upside down again.
Being with Nathan that night made me realize the truth of everything. This was love. This was understanding. This was patience. This was forgiveness. This was acceptance.
This was my love. My world. My everything.
Our relationship has blossomed into one with complete and utter trust. We grew so much in the weeks that would follow and everytime HE messaged me, I would tell Nathan about it immediately.
The first time I ever saw HIM after that was one night when Nathan was driving. It was date night and some van in the back of us kept riding up really close. I could sense Nathan getting angry and eventually, he turned to me and was like is that HIM?
I didn’t want to look at the license plate. I didn’t want to see those numbers. I didn’t want to believe it was real.
But they those four numbers-9311-were very, very real.
Once, HE had called and I put him on speaker so that Nathan could hear. HE was telling me not to tell Nathan anything. To keep everything a secret- HE clearly didn’t know that he was a few months late. If only he had been more aware, HE would have heard two voices tell him bye that night.
Everything settled down once more again and we fell back into our beautiful rhythm of life.
But one day, sooner than we thought- he would come back into our lives. Again.
One night, my phone was ringing off the hook.
Nathan wasn’t with me and the number was one I didn’t know, so I answered.
My blood ran cold as I heard HIS voice.He told me how he couldn’t believe what I had done- how I was with Nathan. How I had started ignoring him. He told me that he had loved me so much that he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend for me, but now, I won’t do the same for him.
The intensity and the rage that had filled me right then and there was incomprehensible.
Was that what he thought was love? Was risking everything to be with him?
That was NOT love.
I told him no. I wouldn’t do it. I would never ever cheat on Nathan.
Because in my life, given any choice, it would always be you my darling.
My real life, happily ever after.
Once more, life settled down again and everything was perfect. Months had passed now without any contact from either of them.
Except, one day- I went to this little kiddies fair with my little brother.
There was a clown there (no seriously, a clown) and I remember asking my brother if he wanted a balloon. I told the clown that he wanted a certain colour balloon and the clown gave it to him. I thought nothing of it.
Nothing at all. I was blissfully thinking about how wonderful life was, and that despite the darkest things- the rain doesn’t fall forever.
Until my sister who was right next to me had pulled me aside (and out of my happy thoughts) and told me the most unbelievable thing.
The clown was her. HIS gf. My former friend.
No fucking way I thought. I thought my sister had gone crazy.
But when I turned around and saw her watching me, I had one of those little heart-attacks again. It really was her.
I hadn’t seen her in ages- since the whole thing blew up in school more than two years ago. I had no idea it was her and I doubt I would have ever even noticed if it had not been for my sister.
Thank goodness we left soon after, and I quickly forgot about it and continued along my life, oblivious to the world.
Until HE called me from an unknown number.
I got the cussing of a lifetime.She claimed how I was laughing at her and she told him so much bs about me and what I was apparently doing to her. I was appalled.
I would never do that to her. I would have never ever laughed at her and believe me, I was in too much shock with the realization that she was the clown that I couldn’t laugh, even if I wanted to.
When he was on the phone with me, I called Nathan from my sister’s phone. He was there and heard the whole thing. Nathan told me then and there to tell HIM that I had enough. Nathan had told me a ton of other things to say which I found so harsh and I didn’t know how to say it. But Nathan was on the next line and he was waiting for me to tell HIM it and then hang up.
I have no idea what words I had said at that moment, but I had said it and then hung up the phone.
That was the last I ever heard of HIM.
Until now. 3 years later.
3 fucking years of protecting his secret and making sure no one ever knew.
3 years of getting away from him so that he could settle down with her and everyone could just go on with their lives.
3. Long. Years.
As you all know, I have a constant battle with my weight so for the summer, I decided to go to the gym and take you all on my journey with my Eat Clean Train Dirty posts.
Unfortunately, life and its ridiculous surprises had something else planned. Both of them just happened to be in my spin class. Just my fucking luck.
As soon as I saw them I messaged Nathan and told him because that’s just the way we were. I would tell him every single detail from my life, no matter how small or insignificant.
After I got over the initial shock, of seeing them there and wondering about the sick and twisted card that Life had just dealt me, I went about my life normal as ever.
I thought nothing of either of them until that message he suddenly sent my on twitter.
Just like that.
I literally hadn’t even said anything to either of them in those years.
So this caught me by surprise.
I couldn’t believe it.
Just like that.
Just like that…I still can’t believe my eyes.
Somehow, after all of this, I still cannot fully comprehend the madness which blew up that night.
As soon as I saw that message I messaged S immediately and linked her to both of their twitter accounts She was equally disgusted and sickened by what was there.
I had never even known before that they were on twitter.
I don’t even know how they knew who I was since I had blocked them out from everything.
It was because of this one message and as soon as I saw his name, I knew exactly who he was. It took me seconds to find her account- partially because she was praising him for calling me out like that- as if it was the best thing in the world. As if she was so proud to have a guy who did those sick things.
S and I continued to go through everything and we still couldn’t believe what we were seeing. And to boot, they were dragging in people who were actually in my old school to support them. The most disgusting thing though, was that they were declaring twitter feuds and laughing about how exciting twitter had suddenly become.
Those inconsequential little girls- because that’s exactly what they were in those moments- had made me thank God that I had distanced myself from them ages ago. At 21 years old, deliberately seeking to cause drama is a secondary school kind of thing and if it’s one thing that I HATE is drama. Unnecessary drama.
And the show that they were putting on, was the pinnacle of immaturity and a realization that you really have nothing to do with your lives. I was embarrassed for them.
I also felt to literally throw up because I was so disgusted.
I messaged Nathan at once and even though he was halfway across the world in Budapest, Hungary, he messaged me back as soon as he could and when I showed them their accounts- all of their accounts, he was furious.
Plain and simple, he told me, ” Just message her and tell her you fucked her man”.
That was my darling for you. Straight to the point. I laughed and asked him if he would be okay if I went through with this, and he said yes. He would support me.
**********************************************************************************************************************As I went through their tweets with my bestie, I can’t even express my horror at seeing how much they knew about my life and my tweets. It was unnerving because I don’t know how long they were doing it.
For instance, due to certain circumstances, I was unable to go to the gym for the last two weeks- my parents were out of the country and I had to baby sit my little brother. My mom bought me this hot pink sports bra and I tweeted about how excited I would be to wear it and how I had to kick my body back into shape to wear it- Eat Clean Train Dirty
I had no idea that she would see this tweet and say this:
I started at it for so long until I realized that it wasn’t a dream- they were really that pathetic and disgusting.
Last night I went to the gym and when I came home, this was the sickness that was brought to my attention- they were just tweeting and retweeting each other’s tweets.
My repulsiveness over this cannot ever be translated into words.
I didn’t say a word.
I was just laughing and laughing because they knew that was the only thing that they could say about me. That I was fat.
Oh well, I couldn’t help but feel flattered by the fact that they took all this time to watch me in the gym and talk about my body.
Amazing how little people have to do with their lives if they only thing that made them feel better about themselves was laughing and making jokes about my weight- and retweeting each other.
I shudder to even think about how disgusting and vile people could really be.
Last night, someone commented on a post on my blog and said this.
To all my readers,
I say no more.
I will let you be the judge of that comment and what to make of it.
I felt like I said enough on my page and on my personal FB account and I’m not going to keep repeating myself all over.
This chapter of the darkest period of my life ends here now, and even though I know that they are still saying things about me, I don’t care any more.
I have freed myself from the guilt and the hurt and the anger and the resentment.
When people come and tell me the nonsense he’s posting on twitter- that I’m crazy and psychotic, I should star in Obsessed, that I was angry because I saw them in gym and couldn’t stand to see them happy…
I keep laughing because if she thinks I made this entire thing up, I pity her more than anything. I pity her because she has a boyfriend who claims that he is “man enough to admit it”. I pity her for believing in his lies, because a handful of my closest people have seen him with me from the beginning of it all- S, C, my sister and one of her close friends, my neighbours who damn well saw him parked outside, his cousin, friends from my former hall- and of course, Nathan.
I should really, therefore, win the Noble Prize for sitting down for three nights and “making these things up”.
Too many people knew when it was going on and although I would never ever ask them to come forward and say that it was true, it gives me so much comfort and strength in the fact that they knew.
Because knowing, is really a powerful thing. It comes with a freedom and a liberation in who you are. I understand that because I know that I am not living a lie any more. My conscience is finally clear. I know who I am and the girl that I want to continue to be.
I have finally told you as much as I could, and now, I am most happily going to move on with my wonderful life.
Thank you so much everyone for everything that you have said to me and the way that so many of you came forward with your own personal struggles.
I admire you all for dealing with the past and getting over the people who have hurt you and overcoming the pain that you were in.
I really hope that if anyone is going through something like this- I hope to God that you would learn from what I have done and the mistakes I have made.
My life, is just the way how I want it now, and I am blessed by the beautiful friends- especially A. (you know who you are) who had offered me the most valuable insight on this situation and in so many others- and family that I have.
I am so so blessed by the love that I found in you.
What we have, is pure, real and without lies, deception, scandal and betrayal.
I love you so much darling. You know you mean the world to me. Thank you for staying with me all this time and standing up for me and with me.
Thank you for helping me become the strong, confident and capable person that I am today.
For always being there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
For understanding the funny words I make up which has become our own personal little language.
For being there to make me laugh and love me so much, even through all my many “weirdities”.
For holding my hands in public for the world to see that I was yours and you were mine.
For making me breathless and for loving me so powerfully that I know now more than ever, that everything that I went through was all geared towards finding you.
My best friend.
My happily ever after.
And most of all, thank you my darling, for being the person who was sitting behind me at 5 o’clock on a perfectly ordinary evening.