Time was passing by and I had already ruined my reputation in school. Thankfully, I was soon out of there because I was in my final year after all.
But the thing was, even after the whole thing blew up in my school- we still continued seeing each other and that in itself was a huge gamble. Looking back- all I could see was a blur- guest houses like those he carried her in with mirrors on the walls and on the ceiling, drinking, sneaking out, lying- my life was going dangerously downhill.
One day, after so much talking from my sister and my besties, I finally started to fully wake up. It took time and a lot of strength and patience to realize that what I was doing couldn’t work for me any more.
I didn’t want to be the option.
One day, I met up with him in a party for all the freshers. It was there that I met his cousin Kev. He was staying on one of the halls and I somehow managed to go there with all of them. Now mind you, Kev. turned out to be a pretty awesome guy and he had NO idea what was going on between me and his cousin.
One day, Kev. called me and I ended up meeting him after school just to hang out. He was so kind and so oblivious, that sitting in his company made me feel sick. We were getting along so well and he took me for pizza that night. He was such a gentleman and we talked about his music and if I remember correctly, he played the sax. I remember laughing so much because he didn’t look like that kind of guy- the jazz kind.
We laughed and talked about a ton of things and then- he dropped in that one sentence which made me almost have a mini heart attack,
“I know everything”.
The first words that came into my mind was “Oh fuck”.
But I knew that HE had told me that Kev. didn’t know anything. So clearly, I was so confused at that point but I poked and prodded him until I realized that he had no idea what was going on. He dropped me back on hall and we continued to talk for a few days after.
Being cousins and all, Kev. told him he went out with me, but what he didn’t tell him was that he took me out for dinner. You could imagine how shocked HE was. It clearly wasn’t a surprise that he had a problem with me hanging out with Kev. and he made me call Kev. and tell him the worst possible things- that I wasn’t interested in him, that I was using him (Kev.) as a means to get to HIM.
I didn’t want to do it at all. It sickened me and Kev. was such a nice person and to tell him those lies crushed me. Once again, He was making me play the crazy card.
Nonetheless, I ended up calling Kev. like an idiot and I told him every single thing that He told me to say. I sounded like I was obsessed with HIM and that I was desperately trying to find a way to talk to HIM and that he (Kev.) was just a means to get through. I knew I sounded like a psychotic bitch and looking back now- even remembering this- is making me feel so sick and disgusted all over again.
Poor Kev. he didn’t know that it was his own cousin on the next line telling me what to say to him.
This is one memory that I detest. My blood still crawls just thinking about how cruel and mean I was to Kev.
Wherever you are Kev. J. I hope that one day you would know the truth. I highly doubt that you would ever see this, but I am so so sorry for the things I said to you. I hope that you could forgive me for it.That whole situation with Kev. really was another wake up call. It was unnecessary and completely stupid and idiotic on my part.
I started to get annoyed with HIM and this time, I truly beginning to see how delusional I have I become. How weak and pathetic I was to even get with him in the first place. I wasted a year of my life of him and I was still there, always waiting for him to come back to me.
Every time he went home, he would delete me from his BB and THAT was a huge trigger. He would always add me back when he came back up to school but one day, I got so mad that when I saw his request to add to my contacts- I ignored him.
That was the first time in an entire year that I had ever ever stood up for myself and take control. It was a moment of strength you could say.
But moments don’t last forever.
He called me and called me until I finally added him back- and it started all over again.
I was so careful this time though because I was finding a new person inside me who didn’t want to live this way.
I was tired of being controlled and used.
The final days of our “affair” was coming to an end.
Once, he took me to his work place and showed me everything-all the ways that the whole process of (__________) worked. It was so amazing seeing everything up close since I had studied it in chemistry. It was just an ordinary night- nothing special and nothing to tell.
When it came to school work, he made her write his Caribbean Civilization report. It was a such a fun project that we had to write up about some book that I can’t even remember the name of. If my memory wasn’t so blurred, it was either that or something about being for or against the legalization of weed. Or, it very well may have been both.
I remember that we got back our marks and I wanted to know so bad how much he got. I guess it was my for my own personal gratification to see if I scored higher than she did.
He didn’t want to tell me at all but he eventually made me tell his mine first. I lied and gave myself a lower mark so that he would tell me his own- or rather- her own. I finally got what I wanted and he did tell me what he got and I couldn’t help but be gleeful.
I’d gotten one of the highest marks out of the year group- 9/10 so I knew that I had beat both of them and it was one of those moments where I felt empowered. That and other feelings of wanting to end things were planted in me and once planted, the seeds would grow. I started to feel angry and that anger eventually turned into hate.
Hate like the blackest of evil was just within me. I hated him. I hated her. I hated me. It was one of the worst emotions that was controlling me, but somehow…somehow I kept it hidden.
I could feel the change in me and I knew that the clock was ticking and it would all be up to me. Only I could control what I wanted to do. It was only me. Always me.
As the weather changed, with each leaf that feel from the trees, I knew that the day was coming when everything would suddenly change for the better.
There was a huge concert that my hall was putting on and I was performing.
Of course, he missed my most prized performance and that angered me even more. Again, it showed me that I really was not the priority. Nonetheless, performing is something I loved and I had 2 other dances and a modelling segment that I was not going to mess up because of him.
I’m not sad to say that I performed brilliantly. I loved the energy and the life of the audience and the moment when you know that this was it- my time to shine. And I did shine.
I remember this moment so clearly. This was me walking down that runway. You look at me there and yet, you don’t know that any of this was going on.
From that picture, no one would even know that my heart was racing and I desperately wanted to do my best, knowing that He was in the crowd. No one knew the turmoil, the rage, the anger inside of me. No one would also even know that I had starved myself for a week to look like that- picture perfect.
All everyone would see was That Girl.
After, the concert, there was a huge after party on hall and he came there as well.
I was on a high with how amazing my night went because I was so obviously thrilled with my performance and I think that it was that empowerment that made me do what I did next.
He pulled me aside and told me he wanted to talk- that he wanted to see my room. But I knew that he wanted sex.
I took him upstairs to my dorm room and I was right.
It was about sex. Always about the sex. Whenever he was happy, sad, drunk, furious with me- it always came down to that.
In that moment, for the first time in more than maybe nine months or more- I said no.
That one powerful world came out of my mouth.
After months of never being denied and me sneaking out, lying, cheating- anything to be with him. I said NO.
He was in shock and tired to say all the right words that he knew I would want to hear.
But I was STRONG.
I kept saying it over and over- NO NO NO.
It wasn’t surprising that he left the party soon after and you know what- I couldn’t care less.
I just partied the night away into oblivion.
After that, things obviously became strained between us but one day, we agreed that we would meet at 5 o’ clock in our Caribbean Civilization class. Now this one was a huge gamble because people from my old school obviously would have been there. They shouldn’t have been since this was an evening class, but all the same, it was a possibility- you know how Murphy’s Law goes.
I sat at the back where I would have been unnoticeable- but he would know where I was. He walked in with a group of friends and sat down right next to me.
We made it look like a coincidence that we were there, but occasionally, he would sneak and say something to me really quickly. I was slightly annoyed because I only came there because of him and I was being ignored. Big surprise there. What the hell did I even expect?
I told myself: FUCK IT.
I was right next to him and he couldn’t say a single thing to me.
I had reached my breaking point. I couldn’t do it anymore.
This anger and hate was building up inside me for so long and this day, this very moment- was the trigger.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I clearly remember every single minute of this moment as it is clearly etched in my memory. and writing it now is making my heart race just thinking about it.
I told myself fuck him. fuck us. fuck everything.
I told myself that I wasn’t -no, I refused- to sit there and be ignored any more. I desperately had to talk to someone.
Anyone. This was sheer desperation now for the record and I was driving myself crazy inside.
I told myself to close my eyes and then turn around and talk to the first person who was behind me. I didn’t know what I was going to say to them, but I did exactly that.
A.d just like that- I saw him.
His gorgeous brown eyes and his amazing smile.
Yes, it was him.
The guy who was to become the love of my life.
From the name of this, I guess you can tell that I am coming to the end of my string of confessions about my momentary indiscretion.
Tomorrow I would hopefully bring this to a close and truly, truly move on.