~Confession Time: Affairs of the Heart~


Until last night,  my life was perfect- and after I write this, it will once more become perfect since I would have cleared my conscience and gotten all of the negativity out of  my heart.

For three years, I have not spoken to a guy- who we shall call just refer to as he. And last night, out of absolutely no where, I get this message on my twitter from him:

You could imagine how stunned I was. I honestly could not believe it. I never actually got an outright “hate” message in my life. They’ve mostly been Anonymous, but this one was something I never expected.

I guess I should start from the beginning, but I will tell you this in a letter that I would be writing to my 17-year old self.

It’s time I get this weight off my shoulders and come  clean with the world. Only certain people have known this secret- my close friends and The Boyfriend. But now, since twitter literally blew up last night with hate messages from people I don’t even talk to, I can’t take it any more. Once and for all, I’m going to tell my story.

I’ve already been warned by my best friends that he will try to make me look like a psycho. They told me that he would deny everything and make me look like the stalker. And without seeing any messages from him, they were right. Because he continued after telling me that I was crazy.

Nonetheless,I told them- it won’t hurt me any more because they already think I’m “crazy” so the most they will think about this is that I’m making up this entire story- no big deal-so I can take a chance on being the crazy one. It’s a risk I’m willing to take because I am tired of just keeping this bottled up inside. I would have left it alone, but after last night, I can’t do it any more. He and his girlfriend has been watching my twitter for weeks, and I didn’t even notice the horrible things they were saying. I couldn’t believe that people would go so far and have nothing better to do with their lives- than to mind my business.

I guess you can say that it was flattery in it’s highest form- because it’s been 3 years! I find that a long time to not be able to get over someone.

Without further ado, my letter begins.

Dear 17-year old self,

Your life is amazing right now. You’re in your last days of school and you have to much success to come your way. You will be an amazing student, a competent leader and an exemplary athlete. You would get a scholarship and you would be thrust into the world and soon, you would begin to realize who you are.

But before those things happen, you would fall in love- or what you thought was love. It would be the most unexpected person, and he would tell you pretty things in the dark. He would even tell you that he loves you- and you would believe him.

Even though he was your friend’s boyfriend.

I wish so much that I could travel back in time to show you this letter. I wish so much that you would have the sense that I have now to see behind those lies. I wish that I could protect you and your heart from what was going to be one of the worst years of your life. But I can’t. And now, this is my letter to you- forgiving us for the wrong that we have done and finally telling the truth. It’s been a long time coming, but it will be worth the freedom you will find in yourself. 

It will start in the summer of that year. She was out of the country for her GYLC conference. He would randomly start talking to you, and even though you knew you shouldn’t, you chose to believe that you were just friends, and nothing would come out of it. But as the days progressed, you would find laughter in each other’s company, and it would become harder and harder for you to tear yourself away from him- and he from you.

When school starts back, you would still maintain this casual relationship with him- and that would be the beginning of a secret that would tear your life apart- and yet, bring it right back to perfection.

Somehow, by some sick twist of the universe, you would start falling for him- and he for you. And even though you knew it was wrong, your heart couldn’t help but feel the way it did.

You would try to stop it. You would tell him it is wrong- but he won’t let you go that easily. He still called you at the rare hours when she wasn’t around- just to talk. And you would spend hours on the phone making each other laugh and smile.

The first time you decide to meet him, it would be one of the most nerve wrecking times of your life. Again, you would know that it was very wrong, but you were taught to follow your heart right? So you did.

You had a wonderful time on the Hill, just talking and laughing- but when he drops you back home, he would try to kiss you- but you turned away.

That’s my girl. Right there on the edge of temptation, you pulled yourself back. I wish I could have been there to hold you back in the next few weeks. I wish I was there to talk to you and tell you that it wasn’t worth it. I wish I could tell you what would happen in the months and years to come.

But I wasn’t- and I’m so so sorry I let us down.

Once again, you would try to break it off from him, but time and time again he would come back. Once day, when he would go to the pool, he decided to call you. He wouldn’t be swimming because the water gave him ear-aches. When you were talking to him- you told him that it was wrong and that we shouldn’t talk any more. But somehow, he would change your heart. He would tell you that we could have the best of both worlds- and you believed him.

From there, the budding romance developed into a dangerous seduction- the lines between friends had been crossed. You would do the unthinkable.

If you are reading this, you might probably say that you would never do that. But my darling, you did. And it would be your first time. I wish it was the magical way that we always dreamt about…but it was so sudden and unexpected, that you didn’t even think twice when it happened- and you would only realize what you did after it was done and over with.

Going to school would be the hardest. You would see her every day, and your friendship would steadily deteriorate. You won’t be able to look her in the eyes. You would begin to keep things to yourself and detach yourself from that group of friends.

You would tell your best friend though- and she would be so mad at you.  She even stopped talking to you for a week- and believe me, we deserved it. And even though we are even closer than ever and our friendship was saved, I wish you would listen to her. She was so right and even though she was sworn to secrecy- we shouldn’t have taken her wisdom for granted.

I wish that you wouldn’t have been so stubborn. You were so wrong, but your belief in him and in love clouded your judgement, and you won’t be able to turn away.

You will keep up this façade for a few months. You would do anything for those stolen moments with him. He would risk it all for you because he loved you.

But because he said it first- did it really mean that he did? Why couldn’t you see that if someone loved you they won’t make you an option.

Again, I failed you again. Our 21-year old self is so much different. We have learnt so much- probably because we were forced to deal with our actions sooner than we’d ever thought. We have evolved by leaps and bounds and we have let the past go and our focus is the future.

You would develop a paranoia about your phone and your computer. You would clear the history everyday and you would delete his messages from your phone like it was a chronic OCD problem.

But as time passed, you would slip up.

One day, before you go dance practice, you would leave your phone and it’s un-deleted contents in your uniform pocket- which you would then hang over your desk and leave unattended.

I wish more than ever that I had been there to scream at you and tell you NO. Don’t leave it in class. But I wasn’t.

You would be so caught up in being the best dancer that you could be, that you didn’t even realize what would happen.

That Friday though, you would find out and your worst fears and darkest secret would soon come to light. 

**********************************************************************************************************************

That’s all I can write now because this is taking so much out of me to relive those months. It’s no easy thing to write this and even though I would be judged, hated on and whatever- it’s nothing new.

For my entire life, no matter the good I did, the accomplishments I made- I was always criticised and hated on. So why should it bother me now? Just add it to the rest of the pile.

I want to make it so clear right now that I have acknowledged the mistake that I have made in my life. We all make them. Mine may be more extreme, but I won’t let the past define who I am today.

If my 17-year old self even saw me now, I doubt she wouldn’t have recognized me. I have my head on my shoulders and I would continue inspiring others to learn from my mistakes and not get themselves in the trap that I was in.  I would continue doing the things I love because I want to live my life in the moment, and not live in the past and let that or any haters bring me down.

Please keep your head held high, because there would always be people who would be there to watch you when you fall.

Till tomorrow,

xo,

The Classy It Girl! 

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13 thoughts on “~Confession Time: Affairs of the Heart~

  1. Mistakes do happen! In fact they happen to the best of us! I admire you for not hiding your past but learning from it! He is the worst person ever and I know how you feel because he even tried to come at me even though he was with my friend!! I feel sorry for her cuz he uses her, lies to her, cheated on her, lets every1 kno their secrets… Forget him!! He isnt worth it! May his gf find the courage an strength to leave her! Pity her!

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    • Wow so it’s even worse that I thought- especially if it’s the same guy we’re talking abut. I can’t wait to finish my story though so stay tuned for more. Thank you so much for coming forward and sharing as well. I decided to share this because of what happened last night on twitter- together with the fact that it’s just poison within me if I lie and pretend any more. It doesn’t matter if I’m called crazy by them. Let them continue living in their little bubble. We can just move on with our lives.
      xo

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  2. You may not realise this, but this post might just touch a lot of people reading it. When I read it I felt relief. For a long time I, like many, have been haunted by my past so much so that it became my present and reading this I felt like I wasn’t alone, like I didn’t have to be ashamed of my past because I realised the best of us have moments we’re not too proud of. So thanks for being brave enough to share this because if you didn’t I may not have learnt what I did. I really admire that you try to be as open as possible to your readers.

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    • Wow. I really didn’t know that my story touched so many people. I want to be open to everyone because I know that we all have secrets, but it doesn’t need to define your future and the person that you want to be. I am so happy that I could help you move forward, and I really hope that you grow into the person that you want to be. xo and stay strong.

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  3. I love that you were so brave to share your story with others because there are sooooo many girls who may be going through the same thing as you did and I know for sure that this story will help them in moving forward and leaving those hurtful memories behind. Judging by his little tweet there, he is the one who needs to grow up and find something better to do with his time. I am glad that you’re so focused! He surely doesn’t deserve your time and energy. He is just envious of your happiness and success! And I must say your writing is quite impeccable and it flows so effortlessly. ;-) I wish you the very BEST and God’s blessings. :-)

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    • You kind words jut inspire me to continue writing and sharing my story. I know they both don’t deserve my time or my energy and it’s really they who are trapped in the past. My success and my work speak for themselves. I know that I’m not the only girl who went through this, so I hope and pray that they can learn from my mistakes. Thank you so much once more <3

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  4. amazing. thanks for helping us, readers, know that we can move on from our mistakes, learn from them and become better people. It isn’t easy but your confession is an inspiration to keep moving forward. <3

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    • So happy that I could help everyone. It really wasn’t an easy thing to do especially since these people are so vindictive and determined to make me look crazy. Nonetheless, I will keep moving forward and so can everyone else <3

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  5. Hey first of all I want to commend all of your work thus far, your tutorials are very inspiring :)
    I came across your blog and I can relate to your story, getting enraptured in love and losing someone you considered your best friend. Although it was a painful experience, I commend you for moving on and picking up the pieces to make the best of your life today. Not many people are able to do that and its something you should remind yourself everyday :)

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    • Thank you so much for this beautiful comment! It really means a lot to me and I am happy that you can relate to what I went through. Picking up the pieces is the only thing that we can do to regain control of our lives and truly move on and find happiness. I will definitely keep that in mind…xo!

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  6. Wow. I never knew about this part of your life. I’ve always admired you and your sister. And now after reading this, I ADMIRE YOU EVEN MORE! I admire you for being able to accept and share your past so others can learn from them. I’m younger than you and i’m currently in my first year of university. I never had a boyfriend and when you’re 19, you tend to think that something’s wrong with you if you don’t. So when i began getting the attention of this hot guy, i was obviously thrilled. I didn’t realized that i was being used at the time. I would see him talking to other girls but i would just turn a blind eye. He would tell me that he talks to other girls…and that nothing happened…and i would believe him and admire his honesty. When he took me to his apartment i thought it was all innocent. I’ve grown up as a sheltered and shy girl…so I didnt know what guys have in mind when they take you to their apartment. But when i realized what was happening, i said no. He said it was ok. But soon after he stopped talking to me. He just started ignoring me. He wouldn’t even look at me. He still doesn’t. I dont know if he’s ashamed or if I’m not worthy of his attention because I didn’t give in. I felt like crap for months though… worthless. About 3 mths have passed and i like to pretend that i’m over it and ok… but honestly i’m not. Your blog has helped me though. I know now that i should be patient and focus on my education. The right guy would enter my life when the time is right.

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    • Hi :) sorry for the late reply! I’m so happy that I was able to help you because that’s one of my main reasons that I wrote this blog. I truly want girls to learn from my heap of mistakes so that they wouldn’t end up like I did. You don’t need those kind of men in your life- and from what you said, it’s a good thing that you didn’t give in to him. Keep your head high and just be patient. Don’t waste yourself on the wrong person because when The One comes into your life, you would be so incredibly happy. Trust me. I wish I could take it all back just so I could have been whole for the one person who means the world to me…but I can’t and it would be something that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I was just blessed that this mistake made me find my perfect person. Keep being patient and you would see how amazing everything would turn out. Never waste your time on a guy who is not worth it because you deserve so much more. xo :)

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  7. Pingback: #1 Most Embarrassing Moment Ever | Real Life with Roxy

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