Until last night, my life was perfect- and after I write this, it will once more become perfect since I would have cleared my conscience and gotten all of the negativity out of my heart.
For three years, I have not spoken to a guy- who we shall call just refer to as he. And last night, out of absolutely no where, I get this message on my twitter from him:
You could imagine how stunned I was. I honestly could not believe it. I never actually got an outright “hate” message in my life. They’ve mostly been Anonymous, but this one was something I never expected.
I guess I should start from the beginning, but I will tell you this in a letter that I would be writing to my 17-year old self.
It’s time I get this weight off my shoulders and come clean with the world. Only certain people have known this secret- my close friends and The Boyfriend. But now, since twitter literally blew up last night with hate messages from people I don’t even talk to, I can’t take it any more. Once and for all, I’m going to tell my story.
I’ve already been warned by my best friends that he will try to make me look like a psycho. They told me that he would deny everything and make me look like the stalker. And without seeing any messages from him, they were right. Because he continued after telling me that I was crazy.
Nonetheless,I told them- it won’t hurt me any more because they already think I’m “crazy” so the most they will think about this is that I’m making up this entire story- no big deal-so I can take a chance on being the crazy one. It’s a risk I’m willing to take because I am tired of just keeping this bottled up inside. I would have left it alone, but after last night, I can’t do it any more. He and his girlfriend has been watching my twitter for weeks, and I didn’t even notice the horrible things they were saying. I couldn’t believe that people would go so far and have nothing better to do with their lives- than to mind my business.
I guess you can say that it was flattery in it’s highest form- because it’s been 3 years! I find that a long time to not be able to get over someone.
Without further ado, my letter begins.
Dear 17-year old self,
Your life is amazing right now. You’re in your last days of school and you have to much success to come your way. You will be an amazing student, a competent leader and an exemplary athlete. You would get a scholarship and you would be thrust into the world and soon, you would begin to realize who you are.
But before those things happen, you would fall in love- or what you thought was love. It would be the most unexpected person, and he would tell you pretty things in the dark. He would even tell you that he loves you- and you would believe him.
Even though he was your friend’s boyfriend.
I wish so much that I could travel back in time to show you this letter. I wish so much that you would have the sense that I have now to see behind those lies. I wish that I could protect you and your heart from what was going to be one of the worst years of your life. But I can’t. And now, this is my letter to you- forgiving us for the wrong that we have done and finally telling the truth. It’s been a long time coming, but it will be worth the freedom you will find in yourself.
It will start in the summer of that year. She was out of the country for her GYLC conference. He would randomly start talking to you, and even though you knew you shouldn’t, you chose to believe that you were just friends, and nothing would come out of it. But as the days progressed, you would find laughter in each other’s company, and it would become harder and harder for you to tear yourself away from him- and he from you.
When school starts back, you would still maintain this casual relationship with him- and that would be the beginning of a secret that would tear your life apart- and yet, bring it right back to perfection.
Somehow, by some sick twist of the universe, you would start falling for him- and he for you. And even though you knew it was wrong, your heart couldn’t help but feel the way it did.
You would try to stop it. You would tell him it is wrong- but he won’t let you go that easily. He still called you at the rare hours when she wasn’t around- just to talk. And you would spend hours on the phone making each other laugh and smile.
The first time you decide to meet him, it would be one of the most nerve wrecking times of your life. Again, you would know that it was very wrong, but you were taught to follow your heart right? So you did.
You had a wonderful time on the Hill, just talking and laughing- but when he drops you back home, he would try to kiss you- but you turned away.
That’s my girl. Right there on the edge of temptation, you pulled yourself back. I wish I could have been there to hold you back in the next few weeks. I wish I was there to talk to you and tell you that it wasn’t worth it. I wish I could tell you what would happen in the months and years to come.
But I wasn’t- and I’m so so sorry I let us down.
Once again, you would try to break it off from him, but time and time again he would come back. Once day, when he would go to the pool, he decided to call you. He wouldn’t be swimming because the water gave him ear-aches. When you were talking to him- you told him that it was wrong and that we shouldn’t talk any more. But somehow, he would change your heart. He would tell you that we could have the best of both worlds- and you believed him.
From there, the budding romance developed into a dangerous seduction- the lines between friends had been crossed. You would do the unthinkable.
If you are reading this, you might probably say that you would never do that. But my darling, you did. And it would be your first time. I wish it was the magical way that we always dreamt about…but it was so sudden and unexpected, that you didn’t even think twice when it happened- and you would only realize what you did after it was done and over with.
Going to school would be the hardest. You would see her every day, and your friendship would steadily deteriorate. You won’t be able to look her in the eyes. You would begin to keep things to yourself and detach yourself from that group of friends.
You would tell your best friend though- and she would be so mad at you. She even stopped talking to you for a week- and believe me, we deserved it. And even though we are even closer than ever and our friendship was saved, I wish you would listen to her. She was so right and even though she was sworn to secrecy- we shouldn’t have taken her wisdom for granted.
I wish that you wouldn’t have been so stubborn. You were so wrong, but your belief in him and in love clouded your judgement, and you won’t be able to turn away.
You will keep up this façade for a few months. You would do anything for those stolen moments with him. He would risk it all for you because he loved you.
But because he said it first- did it really mean that he did? Why couldn’t you see that if someone loved you they won’t make you an option.
Again, I failed you again. Our 21-year old self is so much different. We have learnt so much- probably because we were forced to deal with our actions sooner than we’d ever thought. We have evolved by leaps and bounds and we have let the past go and our focus is the future.
You would develop a paranoia about your phone and your computer. You would clear the history everyday and you would delete his messages from your phone like it was a chronic OCD problem.
But as time passed, you would slip up.
One day, before you go dance practice, you would leave your phone and it’s un-deleted contents in your uniform pocket- which you would then hang over your desk and leave unattended.
I wish more than ever that I had been there to scream at you and tell you NO. Don’t leave it in class. But I wasn’t.
You would be so caught up in being the best dancer that you could be, that you didn’t even realize what would happen.
That Friday though, you would find out and your worst fears and darkest secret would soon come to light.
That’s all I can write now because this is taking so much out of me to relive those months. It’s no easy thing to write this and even though I would be judged, hated on and whatever- it’s nothing new.
For my entire life, no matter the good I did, the accomplishments I made- I was always criticised and hated on. So why should it bother me now? Just add it to the rest of the pile.
I want to make it so clear right now that I have acknowledged the mistake that I have made in my life. We all make them. Mine may be more extreme, but I won’t let the past define who I am today.
If my 17-year old self even saw me now, I doubt she wouldn’t have recognized me. I have my head on my shoulders and I would continue inspiring others to learn from my mistakes and not get themselves in the trap that I was in. I would continue doing the things I love because I want to live my life in the moment, and not live in the past and let that or any haters bring me down.
Please keep your head held high, because there would always be people who would be there to watch you when you fall.